An Unexpressed Life

Sometimes it's easier to hide.

I was recently in the Apple store with my daughter, shopping for her new iPad to use in college. Technology changes at a rate that I certainly can’t keep up with. Gone are the days of notebooks, pencils, and binders. The latest version of the iPad has everything a college student needs. No, this is not an Apple endorsement. I simply couldn’t help but share my awe while in the store.

To help us navigate the endless decisions of what to buy was our sales associate, Tracey. She was warm and kind and took her time answering our questions. We got to talking and she asked me what I do. I told her I coach, write, and host a podcast. Her eyes lit up when I said podcast, and she told me she wanted to start her own podcast for years. She wanted to know how I did it and what hurdles I’d faced. I explained my process and how I started and encouraged her to start hers! She paused closed her eyes, and I realized she was crying. 

I extended my hand and placed it on her arm to let her know I was there with her. She looked at me and explained that she had recently lost her mom and that she was one of the most creative people she knew. She described her with awe and told me how talented her mom was. She never embarked on any of her creative dreams because her life didn’t grant her the opportunity. She then went on to say that she has the same creative spark, and ever since she lost her mom, she knew it was her time to express everything her mother never had the chance to do. To take the road less traveled and say yes to her creative self. 

I thanked her for sharing and told her that our time together was not an accident or a coincidence. She was meant to help us, and we were meant to give her a message: Your instinct is right, keep going. 

I often think of the generations of women in my family who also lived unexpressed lives. They likely abided by societal and cultural rules and learned to stay quiet. Dreams were left unexpressed and took residence in a part of their soul, trickling down to the next generation. When we say no to the parts of us that are dying to be expressed, shared, and nurtured, we commit to an unexpressed life where fear and suppression reign supreme. 

When I embarked on my dreams of writing, coaching and starting a podcast, I never thought it would grow to what it has so far. I still have moments of doubt and question what my future will look like. But then I look at my daughter and my mom, and I think of my grandmother, who I recently lost, and I realize somehow this creative endeavor is about me, but it’s also not about me. When I consider all the women before me and all the ones that will come after me, I’m left wondering where I end and they begin, or is there no finite point? Do we simply stand on the shoulders of the generations before us with gratitude? Or is it less linear than that, where every generation, both past and future, is connected, carried by our collective spirits? 

This is described beautifully in Your True Home: The Everyday Wisdom of Thich Nhat Hanh. It is a collection of insights and wisdom from Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist and one of the greatest spiritual teachers of our time.  He writes:

For All Generations

We have to live in a way that liberates the ancestors and future generations, who are inside of us. Joy, peace, freedom, and harmony are not individual matters. If we do not liberate our ancestors, we will be in bondage all our life, and we will transmit that to our children and grandchildren. Now is the time to do it. To liberate them means to liberate ourselves. This is the teaching of interbeing. As long as the ancestors in us are still suffering, we cannot really be happy. If we take one step mindfully, freely, happily touching the earth, we do it for all previous generations and future generations. They all arrive with us at the same moment, and all of us find peace at the same time. 

As I continue to travel this road of unknowns and lean on my intuition to guide my creative endeavors and how I want to serve, one truth will remain: My commitment to living a fully expressed life.