The One Thing You're Missing About Setting Boundaries
It's the reframe that I needed.
Let’s reframe boundaries and why we need them in parenting and life. I think we can all agree that boundaries are important. We need to set boundaries to protect our time and sense of peace. Your kids need you to set limits because they’re still developing and can’t set their own boundaries.
So why is it so hard to set boundaries?
Consider the following:
Is it hard to put yourself first?
Is it hard to say no to a commitment because you don’t want the other person to be disappointed?
Do you struggle to set boundaries with your child and follow through because he gets upset?
Do you have a strong-willed child who fights you on every boundary you try to set, and it always feels like an epic battle?
You struggle to set boundaries, both with your kids and in your personal life, because you look for agreement. You want to set a boundary that doesn’t upset anyone. You want to ensure we’re still liked and valued even when we prioritize our needs. This is new for many of us. Women, especially, are taught to put everyone else’s needs before their own. When you set a boundary, it goes against this belief, and you feel guilty.
You tell yourself, my job is to keep everyone happy. But you know that’s unrealistic and doesn’t benefit the people around you. You harbor resentment toward others because you hope they will know to honor your needs, even though you struggle to state them.
Setting boundaries as parents
Boundaries, as difficult as they may be to set, keep you safe, and the same is true for kids. When you set clear boundaries and follow through, children feel safe because their environment is predictable.
You’ll often hear a parent say, I’ve tried that, and it doesn’t work. What you’re really saying is I tried that, but my child doesn’t like the boundary, and they still get upset. As my beloved spiritual teacher, Carissa Schumacher, shares, boundaries are not crowd-pleasers. That’s why they’re hard to set. But they are also necessary. When you aim for agreement (i.e., I set a boundary and my child didn’t get upset), you miss the opportunity to help your child grow and gain resilience.
Setting personal boundaries
When I work with a client, more often than not, if they struggle to set boundaries with their kids, they also struggle to set boundaries in their personal lives. When you say yes, every time you mean to say no, you dim your light a little more each time. You lose yourself in the process because you suppress your inner voice and inner knowing. You tell yourself that keeping those around you happy is what matters most. How many times do we hear people describe their mothers as selfless? We applaud this and agree that good mothering is about being selfless. I disagree. I have a daughter, and I’m committed to showing her otherwise. I have a son, and I’m committed to showing him otherwise.
Your value lies in your ability to be present and engaged with those you love, in creating a safe space where you witness and guide your kids rather than fix and save, and in your ability to tend to your needs while honoring the needs of those around you.
Boundaries are not crowd pleasers, but they serve an important purpose. When you set boundaries lovingly, clearly, and confidently, you communicate to others how you deserve to be treated. When you set boundaries with your kids and remain steady, anchored, and calm, they learn to trust themselves when things get hard. They become emotionally resilient because you hold a loving space for them to experience and process their feelings.
The Takeaways
Consider the following as you move forward, and just observe how you approach boundaries.
Do you look for agreement? If so, why?
What story are you telling yourself if you believe you’ve made someone else unhappy?
Does the guilt consume you?
Can you hold space for more than one thing to be true? You can set a boundary and recognize that it’s a need while also showing yourself grace, knowing that it’s hard to make a decision that makes someone else unhappy. It doesn’t make it the wrong decision.
Setting clear boundaries is a process, and it takes time. But what I know for sure is this, when you honor your needs, you show others the importance of self-preservation and worthiness. Make that the end goal.