Urgency Is a Myth
Why so many of us rush through life, and what happens when we finally slow down
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I was talking with a life coaching client about the sense of urgency that follows her throughout the day. A feeling that things have to get done sooner rather than later, and that she always has to be “on.” By the end of the night, she’s not quite sure where her day went, and her body feels physically exhausted.
I empathize with how she’s feeling. Many of us are being asked to juggle a lot right now, and it’s hard to find any sense of peace or steadiness when we adopt an urgent pace.
But, to put it plainly, in most cases, urgency is a myth.
You don’t have to do things immediately.
I share this with my parent coaching clients as well. Just because your child is crying or upset doesn’t mean you need to respond with urgency and immediately do something. Assuming the child is safe, why can’t you pause and ground your energy first?
The urgency stems from the fact that we tell ourselves something is wrong and that we have to fix it. But you don’t. It’s our job to create the conditions and environment that help our children have the experiences they need to develop the skills to grow and thrive.
The same is true in our own lives.
Most urgency is actually discomfort in disguise.
We create urgency to avoid feeling things fully.
To avoid uncertainty. Restlessness. Anxiety. Stillness. Silence. Disappointment. The discomfort of not knowing. The discomfort of saying no. The discomfort of sitting with ourselves.
So we rush.
We rush to answer. Rush to fix. Rush to decide. Rush to fill space. Rush to get to the other side of the moment.
But urgency is rarely required, both in parenting and in life.
When urgency is left unexamined, we fall prey to it. It becomes our pace and our way of operating. In some ways, it even becomes a badge of honor. We’re doers. We get things done. For those of us who constantly reach for busyness to feel valuable, urgency can start to feel like identity.
Stop and think about the energetics of urgency. How do you feel in your body when something feels urgent?
Tight. Restricted. Attached to a desired outcome. Linear in your thinking. Stressed. Tense.
What would happen if you set that urgency down, even briefly?
One of my clients shared with me that slowing down scares her. She said the minute she has white space on her calendar, she feels restless and anxious. I asked her what she does when this feeling hits, and she said, “I create a task that usually involves urgency.”
That answer stayed with me.
Because so many of us do this without realizing it.
We create urgency to avoid sitting with ourselves.
Here are ways I combat urgency and choose intentionality and steadiness instead.
I never rush out of bed in the morning
Even when my children were young, I made it a point to wake up before them, even if it was only five minutes earlier. I didn’t like the feeling of opening my eyes and having to get up right away.
I usually lie there and allow myself to feel deeply grateful for the day ahead. I take slow, deep breaths, let my body gently wake up, stretch slowly while breathing, and remain present. It takes no more than two minutes, and it changes the way I start my day.
I have not used an alarm to wake up in years. I’ll get to that when I talk about protecting my sleep.
Starting my day this way primes my system to pause rather than rush.
I rarely say yes right away
I am often asked to commit to various things. Plans, work commitments, tasks, favors, etc.
I was a yes girl through and through. I wouldn’t even hear the full ask before saying yes. Later, I would sit there wondering, Why did I agree to this?
My urgent energy was left unchecked, and the idea of saying no felt uncomfortable. So yes became the immediate answer to spare me the discomfort of possibly letting someone down.
But eventually, I realized I had a calendar full of commitments I didn’t actually want.
I stopped answering right away. Instead, I started saying, “I’ll have to check and get back to you.”
Some people made fun of me and said things like, “Wow, you’re so busy now.” And to that, I replied, “Yes, I am,” with a smile, of course.
But the truth was, I was finally giving myself space to tune in and ask what I wanted. Something I hadn’t practiced…ever.
Now, when I say yes, I’m fully committed, and my time feels intentional. I get so much more from each experience, and I’m no longer finding myself asking, How did I agree to this?
Notice how quickly you say yes before even asking yourself if you truly want to.
I protect my sleep
If you know me and you’re reading this, I know you’re laughing. Because it’s true. I’m notorious for going to bed early and following my circadian rhythm.
When my kids were younger, I tried to follow their sleep schedule as much as possible. If they went to bed at 8, I was in bed no later than 10.
I need eight hours of sleep.
I realize this isn’t always possible with young children, but if you stick to a schedule that somewhat mirrors theirs, you can usually get close.
What does good sleep have to do with urgency?
When we’re not rested, our decisions become more rushed and less thoughtful. We don’t have the bandwidth to tolerate discomfort, the very thing that often triggers urgency in the first place. We’re more likely to move through the day on autopilot rather than slowing down and navigating it intentionally.
I limit distractions…aka social media
Ok, look. Escapism is a need.
You already know this if you’ve read my newsletters where I share things I’m watching, reading, and loving. Reality TV is my escapism du jour.
However, if we are not mindful of how many distractions we’re taking in throughout the day, our brains become fried.
I noticed how often I was going on social media without even realizing it. I would pick up my phone to check the weather app, and suddenly I was scrolling IG watching videos about the best chocolate chip cookies.
My brain was operating in incomplete ways. I would start with a thought, the distraction would hit, and I would lose my way back.
Distractions create the perfect breeding ground for urgency. Our brains get tired, we waste time, and suddenly we’re rushing to complete another task.
Something strange happened when I stopped going on social media for most of the day. My body felt more relaxed, my thoughts became clearer, and I began daydreaming again.
The kind of daydreaming that has me writing this newsletter.
I created more space for thoughts, ideas, and messages to emerge. When we’re constantly being fed information, we don’t take time to appreciate the quiet.
It’s remarkable what emerges when we turn down the noise.
I end my day the same way I start it: slowly, intentionally, and quietly
Yes, how we start and end our day matters.
When my kids were younger, I was the parent who became easily overstimulated. As soon as they went to bed, the first thing I would do was reduce sensory input.
That meant dimming the lights, turning off the TV (or at least muting it for 10 minutes), removing clutter, and sitting quietly with a warm mug of tea.
My husband and I would catch up and talk about the day, but first I needed to get still, steady, and quiet.
Now that my kids are adults, I maintain similar habits and prioritize a wind-down routine.
I meditate. I do not go on my phone for at least two to three hours before bed. I read, and yes, I still drink chamomile tea at night.
I end my day with gratitude, bring awareness to my breath, and let myself doze off slowly and gently.
Recommendations
If these practices feel out of reach, that’s ok. Not everything is meant for everyone, and we all have different thresholds.
For now, simply begin noticing where you carry a sense of urgency.
Ask yourself:
Is this truly urgent, or do I just want to get it done?
Where am I creating urgency to reduce discomfort?
What would happen if I slowed down here?
Check-ins with your body at the beginning and end of the day matter.
Perhaps peace isn’t found in getting everything done, but in no longer believing everything must be done right now.
Love always,
Albiona