Why Does My Daughter Engage in Behaviors She Knows She Shouldn’t Do?
I give you a step-by-step answer in this case study post.
Many of you have reached out to me, saying that concrete examples are really helpful. With that in mind, I will send case studies to help you reframe the way you approach various challenges. I will share both parenting and life scenarios that come up in conversations and my work. I broke up the article so that it’s concise and straightforward, but remember, you know your child best. Context always matters, along with your child’s age, developmental stage, and emotional needs. For personalized support, you can learn about coaching here.
The Problem
A parent was struggling and feeling frustrated that her 4-year-old wouldn’t listen.
She explained to me that it’s so exhausting because her daughter knows what the words "stop" and "no" mean, but she refuses to follow directions.
Why does she keep engaging in a behavior when she knows she’s not supposed to?
What the parent was doing
This parent explained that she usually has to repeat the direction multiple times, and it isn’t until she yells or threatens to take something away that the child will finally listen.
Then she feels guilty for yelling or realizes she made a threat that’s likely impossible to keep (i.e., you’re not going on vacation if you don’t listen).
This has now become a pattern in their daily lives, and she’s fatigued and annoyed when her daughter doesn’t listen.
The Why Behind the Behavior
To help our kids, we need to think like a kid.
Knowledge does not deter behaviors in kids. In other words, relying solely on words to teach or explain to your kids why something is wrong will not stop the behavior.
Kids are interested in getting a desired outcome, and they make meaning from experiences, not the words we say.
The child has been mapping this whole time and collecting data. They know that when you say "stop" the first time, you will likely repeat the direction seven more times before they have to stop.
If what they’re doing is enjoyable, they will keep going until they have to stop. This is what they’ve learned based on previous experiences.
Knowing what the words stop or no mean doesn’t matter. They’ve learned that it isn’t until your voice changes (i.e., yelling) that you will actually do something. That’s when they know you mean business.
What you should do instead
Assign an action with your direction right from the beginning (kids are more interested in what you’ll do rather than what you’ll say). For example, let’s say your child is splashing another child in the pool. The other child doesn’t like it, and they’re saying, Stop. Your child is not stopping. Give your child a direction + an action (If you don’t stop splashing, you’ll need to take a break from swimming).
If they don’t listen the first time, you physically stop them and remove them.
The hardest part about this is staying calm. You want your kids to learn that they need to listen to you even when you’re not yelling or giving countless repetitions.
The action you assign will vary based on context, your child’s age, developmental, and emotional needs.
Preventative strategies can also be helpful.
Reflect
When your child is not listening, ask yourself if you've assigned an action to follow your direction.
Repeating yourself doesn't achieve the desired outcome, and it doesn’t help your child either.
You’re also far more likely to yell, snap, and become reactive because it’s exhausting when we have to repeat ourselves over and over.
This pattern usually leaves parents feeling guilty and defeated.
Instead, intervene faster, while staying calm, and don’t rely on simply repeating yourself.
Feel free to leave a comment and let me know if you like this idea of presenting various case studies. Also, I would love to know if you prefer them written out, or if you want me to create videos with similar content.
Until next time,
Albiona