Emotional Anchors

Fear and anxiousness are contagious, but so is calmness.

Photo by Dingzeyu Li on Unsplash

I recently shared how your reaction to your kids' big reactions is often what causes your kids to become more emotionally disregulated (the tantrums worsen, the argument intensifies, and anger becomes explosive). I highlighted the four different reaction types in this article and in this podcast episode. 

One thing I expressed to a group of parents in a recent workshop is that it starts with us because kids sense and feel more than they see and hear. 

In short, if you are constantly stressed about your child’s next potential outburst or something going wrong (i.e., fast-forward thinking), your kids sense this. They might not be able to put words to this, but the general feeling is that something feels off. 

The same is true for fear. If you feel fearful, even for good reason, and if left unchecked, this fearful state can enter your child. Children notice and absorb more than just the words we say. They pick up on our tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and subtle habits, such as pacing. But again, they can’t put words to this, so they only sense that there is something that’s not in balance. 

Let me be clear, there are likely several valid reasons why you’re anxious and/or afraid. It’s not about bypassing the way you’re feeling. It’s more about managing it and creating awareness around it, and giving yourself the space to clear or empty. When you stay in the loop of anxiousness or fear, your energetic state is off. 

What’s the answer?

The antidote is awareness. The more awareness you bring to yourself when feeling anxious or fearful, the more these feelings begin to weaken. They have less of a hold on you. Over time, you should be able to observe them come in and go out. 

Fear and anxiety often breed fear and anxiety in those around us. It’s contagious. If you’re feeling uneasy about something, whose guidance or company do you seek? Is it the person who is just as anxious as you, or is it someone who feels stable and can help you anchor? 

Calmness, steadiness, and stability are just as contagious as fear and anxiety. When you’re with someone calm and available, who doesn’t get rattled easily, you begin to sense your own body calm down. 

Sometimes, at the end of a session, a client will say to me, 'This feels good; I can feel myself breathing, and I’m calm.' I didn’t give the directive to calm down; I just held space for them.

I can sense that it’s what the other needs, and I can literally ground my energy and create a safe space. I call this anchoring. I’m not teaching anything explicit or providing a playbook on how to calm down. Calmness occurs when we feel safe in a space. Calmness begets calmness.

The same is true for your kids. As parents, you are the emotional anchors your children need. 

Let’s examine what calmness is and what it isn’t.

It’s not…

Talking a lot, overexplaining, and telling your child they’re okay (that’s your anxiety talking)

Yelling and insisting they stop crying 

Panicking and desperately trying to get them to calm down

Insisting they calm down and saying things like, you’re fine

Adjusting your boundary and/or second-guessing your decision

Compromising to get the discomfort to stop

Avoiding conflict

Calmness is…

Understanding that your boundary may be the reason this conflict is happening, but it’s also precisely what your child needs 

Despite the struggle or challenge your child is facing, you trust and know that they will be okay  

Understanding that it’s safe to express your emotions 

Recognizing consequences as a necessary part of how we grow and learn

An active process and practice

More about the energy we hold and the space we create

Am I suggesting that once you can stay calm, your child will always listen and you’ll never have to deal with a tantrum, argument, or emotional outburst again? No. There is more to it. However, understanding the benefits of a calm response and a calm state is where you should start. 

When you can make this your starting place, putting a game plan together becomes easier. You’re more flexible and steady. You might see a creative solution or help your child co-regulate. However, until you learn how to steady yourself, strategies and tools won’t help, simply because, as I mentioned, kids sense and feel.

One of the best parts about being a parent is that my kids, both when they were younger and now, hold me accountable for the energy I bring into any given space. Welcome this challenge and watch how contagious your calm approach becomes.